FROM THE BLOG

Facebook Instagram WhatsApp Messenger Outage Causes Social Change for 6 Hours

Facebook Instagram WhatsApp Messenger Outage Causes Global Social Change for 6 Hours

Damage Report analysis just in:

– Facebook stock down by 5%
– Zuckerberg lost $7 billion
– Populist Media narrative down by 6%
– Average Political Overton (discourse) Window of all users, expanded to a peak range increase of 6% (now falling back to narrowly dichotomised superiority complexed support levels)
– Global dopamine levels down 8% (recovering slowly)
– Leftist Cognitive Dissonance up 2% (there seems to be no ‘resistance’ level for this, just keeps going up and up!)
– Far right QAnon White Supremacy up 2% (this metric is traditionally pegged to the above LCD).
– Misinformation bottomed at 5,000% down (recovering like a slingshot however, now 1000% up)
– Gross Global Happiness index stats are unavailable for classified reasons.
– Percentage of global population that forgot Covid existed for more than 10 minutes up by 22% (quickly returned to stable support levels after FB server reboot).
– People who went outside and touched grass and admired insects for the first time in at least 6 months is up 15%
– People fined for touching grass outside without a mask (and failing compliance to do bicep curls with their other hand) up 46%
– Influencers calling their mother for the first time in at least 6 months rose 23%.
– ‘Elitist’ eco-humanists that like trees, gardening and deplore social media: Fucks Given Factor unchanged at 0%.
– Monosyllabic responses to questions down by 100% in direct correlation with an increase in eye contact.
– People doing a ‘90s shit’ [ie staring at the floor or back of the door or ingredients to the toilet clearer] up 27%.

Did we miss any critical stats from other verified ministries of truth?

Here’s a theory as to why the outage happened: https://apple.news/AQPxVSXTNRfadB05aeC6rLg